Are You There, Denial? It's Me, Allison.

We've been friends for a long time. Well, as long as I can remember. You're my go to when things get rough. If I yell at my kids and don't want to say I'm sorry, you're always there to help me move on and rationalize. If Jerod does something that totally ticks me off, I just turn to you and you make it all go away. You and I can just go on about our busy, little days no matter what the circumstances. Thanks for always being there. I can always have so much more fun when you're around.

I've always had this unbelievable ability to just shut down when life gets not so fun. I can so easily turn off those annoying emotions and act as if life is just peachy. It may be a generational sin kind of thing because my dad does it, I do it and Connor is showing early, but strong, signs of the denial gene. This "disease" presents itself in two main ways in my life: one, I'm rarely wrong and two, no one ever upsets me. Ever.

Just ask Jerod about how often I'm wrong....almost never. And if I am wrong, well, I'm gonna die trying to convince you that I'm not. I can rationalize my way out of anything....there's a perfect reason I'm 2 hours late and I didn't call you, I needed to be really angry and yell at you for what you did, I know I said I would help you, but listen to this great reason why I can't. The list goes on and on, but bottom line, I just like to claim "grace" and move on with my life. I mean, I'm sorry, okay. Can't we all just get along and go shopping or something?!

If there is a good side to living in denial, it's that the same denial tactics apply to you too. Making some bad decisions in your life? Well, who am I to call you out? I have lots of issues. Unrepentant? The Holy Spirit will convict you not me. If something I know and you don't may hurt you or upset your life, I'm probably not going to tell you about it. If I act like I don't know it, then maybe you never will either and we can all move on in blissful ignorance. And, hey, if you hurt my feelings, I'll act like nothing happened. I mean, isn't that better than having to have a deep, drama-filled "talk" about it?

The problem with my way of dealing, is that it's all just a lie. When I smile at you and tell you I'm fine, it's a lie. When I ignore the temper that just emotionally leveled my 6 year old, I teach her that acting like that is ok and it's not. The only kind of peace that denial gets you is a cheap, false peace; not real peace at all. I love the line in O.A.R.'s song "Shattered" where he says "All that I feel is the realness I'm faking." Sums it up. Real peace comes from letting Christ work in you and through you. And all of that resentment and frustration and disappoinment that has built up underneath that "peace" has to come out somehow. It's "escape" looks different for everyone, but it's gonna explode somehow. For me it comes out as anxiety. Others it comes out as an addiction. The "best" case is when it looks very holy like staying busy at the church and being Miss Volunteer 2010. When I'm saving my life and everyone elses by playing ignorant, I'm basically giving God the finger and telling Him He's just not big enough. "Ok, God. You handle spinning the Earth and keeping the planets aligned and I'll handle my mom, my marriage, my kids, my whatever."

I was just wanting to read the Christmas story the other night when God made me read John 3:19-21. John puts living in denial this way:

"This is the crisis we're in: God-light streamed into the world, but men and women everywhere ran for the darkness. They went for the darkness because they were not really interested in pleasing God. Everyone who makes a practice of doing evil, addicted to denial and illusion, hates God-light and won't come near it, fearing a painful exposure. But anyone working and living in truth and reality welcomes God-light so the work can be seen for the God-work it is."

Ummmmmm, thanks God for the swift kick in the butt. I get it.