K.I.S.S.

No, I'm not dead. No, I'm not sick. No, I didn't run away and leave the Chinese girl behind. Quite honestly, I'm just all emotioned out. Wink. Wink. Part 2 may have to wait years because all that deep thinking and gooey emotion kind of made me nauseous. Before last Monday, I had been on a crying, emotional roller coaster for 5 solid weeks. Nothing happened that I can remember, but last Monday marked the end of my emotional binge. I'm sure the relief is temporary, but I've had a solid week of what I call "business mode" and I've gotten so much done! My kids and husband my leave me, but, man, life is getting organized and streamlined. Cuttin' out the fat!

I'm not a big fan of acronyms. I generally think they're cheesy and immature. (Remember LYLAS? Ugh. Never was true.) But, K.I.S.S. has been my motto for this great week of productivity.... Keep It Simple, Stupid. Sure. Sounds great. Who needs fluff anyway??? So, in honor of this Holiday season or just life's craziness, here are my great discoveries from the week for how to have a simpler life. (In bullet form, of course.)

• All you need for fall is one pair of boots. One. That's it. Find one good pair of cognac or neutral colored leather boots and wear them everyday, with everything....black, brown, gray, navy, skirt, JEGGINGS, dress I don't care, just wear them. (See below for my pick...Steve Madden, Candace, $99)

• Stop counting to three with the kids. Really. It's a waste of time. They know it and so do you.
• Go old school. Remember when Monday night dinner was meatloaf night. Tuesday was roast. Wednesday was gravy steak. You get the point. I'm bringing the old school dinner rotation back, baby! Easy meals that everyone likes that are fool proof...that's what I'm going for. And if you don't like it, you don't eat.
• Three Christmas presents each. That's it. Gotta problem with it? Call Santa cause I ain't listenin'. Oh, and Santa doesn't make Lego's, Polly Pockets, puzzles or Lincoln Logs anymore. I just don't have time to find the extra special Jedi Knight Prince of Persia Power Ranger you lost.
• Throw out all your old makeup. It just takes up space and breaks and gets everything else nasty. All the products you need out everyday is what you use for your "basic face." For me that's foundation, mascara, blush and gloss. (For a night out, just add red lips instead and you're done. Total glamour.)
• Don't do anything for your kids that they can do themselves. I knew I had been "doing" for way too long when Jeb asked me to just please come watch him go potty. That's disturbing! He's 4. Have I really been going to watch him potty all these years? Gross.
• Learn to say no. Nooooooo. No. No, thank you. Good luck with making 500 iced cookies... suckerrrrrrr! Doesn't matter how you say it, just figure out a way that you can get it out and just say no. There are a ton of "good" things that we could all do but are they the best things for us to spend our time on?
• Finally, and most importantly, if you color your hair out of a box, just buy whatever's cheapest. I've tried every brand out there and can't tell one bit of difference. Save yourself money and go buy a latte instead.

Wink. Wink. Part 1

My right eye has been twitching since about day 6 of our China trip. Everyone thinks I'm winking at them and, honestly, I'm just waiting for my entire right side to start with a tick any day now. The last time I had an ever-present eye twitch was when we were going through Jeb's adoption four years ago. See any pattern here? We turned in our paperwork to Lifeline on May 5, 2008, by Thanksgiving my eye was twitching and by February I felt like I was one discolored mole away from the top floor of Brookwood.

I can look back through my life and see all kinds of "markers" that point to me having anxiety issues. When I was 9, my dad and I were walking to get ice cream and an ambulance passed us with its lights and horns going. I remember feeling instantly nauseous and thinking "That could be me in that ambulance someday." In high school, I had a friend who worked for the volunteer rescue squad in Knoxville and he thought that maybe he was exposed to TB while working an accident.....maybe. I made my mom take me in to get a TB test. I could go on and on with examples, but I think you get it.

Jerod and I both drove to Lifeline to turn in our application to start Jeb's adoption. I had been praying for that moment for so long and it should have been one of those great, "happiest moments ever." But instead when we walked out of Lifeline Jerod got in his car and drove back to work and I got in mine and had a complete come apart. The fear of the unknown set in and the "what-ifs" started. What if he has Down's Syndrome? What if his mom has HIV and it just hasn't shown up on his lab tests yet? What if he kills us all in the middle of the night when he's 15? What if everyone in his genetic family turns in to purple aliens on their 8th birthdays. I mean, really, I went through them all. But at some point I guess I got tired of worrying about things that I couldn't control in Guatemala, so I started worrying about things I could

"control" here.

It started with the eye twitch that meant I had a brain tumor. My friend that's an eye doctor said it was just stress. Then I one night I found a mole that looked funny. I've had that mole for as long as I can remember, but this night it looked funny. The doctor said it looked normal to him. Then I found a "lump" in my right boob. So, I went and got an ultrasound of the boob and all the radiologist could tell me about it was that it was a "fluid filled cyst" about the size of a Grape nut and that I should drink less caffeine. I asked him for a more official sounding diagnosis but that was all he had to say. Well, except that he had no idea how I even felt it because it was so small. He just doesn't know me.

I don't remember exactly how the conversation went, but one night I was talking to a friend of mines husband who is a doctor. I was telling him about all that had been going on with me and the "diseases" I was sure that I had and he said "You know what you're thinking is not normal, right?" What????? Really? Honestly, I thought that's how everyone lived. I thought everyone wanted to throw up when they saw ambulances it was just that some people had better coping skills for their "throw ups" than others. Right? So, sitting there as a 29 year old mom of two, was the first time I had ever thought that maybe this wasn't normal. Maybe I didn't have to live life like this anymore.

****Part 2 of the story will have to wait until tomorrow. I'm not trying to be dramatic, I'm just really tired and my eyes are starting to cross and twitch. Plus, nobody wants to read a marathon post about moles and cysts!****

Are You In or Are You Out?

Someone said to me the other day "I heard jeggings are out." You would have thought she told me that I missed the rapture. I was so stinkin' mad! The fashion industry is such a spin factory sometimes! I had to order "jeggings" from Korea two years ago. They may be "out" there, but the just landed in the U.S. and, honestly, I don't think they're going anywhere. What's not to love about them? If you haven't tried them, you should ASAP. Comfy, stretchy "jeans/leggings" that let you breathe and you can easily be tucked them into your boots. Oversized sweater + jeggings + boots= Fall perfection. And I don't care what anybody says about Uggs either. They may not be the fab new thing, but they aren't "out." White lace-up Keds with tapered stonewashed

jeans are out. Uggs are not.

Now comes the hard part. I still can't decide about clogs being back. Ugh! They remind me of early 90's which reminds me that I'm old because I've already worn them once. Maybe I'll give them a try and report back. I mean give them a try on. At the store. They may be genius and I'm just being a hater. For what it's worth, here are my favorites...

I like to buy shoes in a cognac color or something "neutral." These could go with denim, black, brown and gray.

Jeggings can be found anywhere. I bought mine at Ross for like $9.99. Or you can go to Saks. worth the effort to find a pair you like!

Update on Typhoon Megi

When we were in China the worst super typhoon in 20 years was headed straight for us in Hong Kong. They named it Megi which is Korean for catfish???? Anyway, Jerod and I started calling Collins Megi because where ever she went, there was always a wake of destruction left behind. It may be cracker crumbs or broken ego's that just got schooled by a 2 year old, but either way you knew she had been there.

It's hard to believe we've only been home 12 days. Seems like forever. But everyday we're making a little progress and things are looking up. We're past the "Have we made the biggest mistake ever?" to "How do we now live with this forever?" As hard as it's been, it seems like with the addition of Collins our family has been "rounded" out. I don't know how else to put it but it just seems complete. Maybe I like even numbers or maybe what Jerod said is true: "Collins. You're just what this family needed. A feisty, little Chinese girl." Who knows.

So far this week we've made some pretty big strides. We're no longer afraid of Tico the cat or Cooper the dog. In fact, we quite like them. Collins will go up to Tico and do this patronizing little tippie toe dance around him like "I could take you if I wanted, but I'll let you live and taunt you instead." She laughs the whole time. She and Jennings are now BFF. They run around this house and giggle together like Jennings always wanted. Found out that Collins likes Chick-fil-A and PBandJ, thank you Jesus! The car seat no longer freaks us out and we haven't thrown up in the car in about 10 days. Always good. I've found that we both do better when we get out a little each day. It's like we both get nervous when it's just us. She loves other kids so the past few days we've gone to the park. Sometimes we just sit and watch and sometimes we run to the top of the climbing wall and claim that we are the coolest. Either way, I think she misses her friends and it makes her happy to be with children. All things things don't mean that she still doesn't drive me nuts. She can pitch the best two year old tantrum ever. It's not an orphan cry, it's a "I'm really ticked off that you aren't doing what I want you to." cry. I've heard both and I know the difference. I'm like "Can't you see that I'm making you noodles, changing Jeb's clothes and baking a cake all at the same time?" No sympathy. I have to keep reminding myself that people only get angry when someone blocks them from a goal. Maybe my goal of quiet for 3 minutes in this house is asking too much.

Anyway, that's where we are. I need to download some new pics. Will do that soon. Oh, she wore a bow today. So nice that no little boy at the park came up and asked me if she was a boy.

Addiction

or healthy distraction?

This Fall I was in a Bible study about addiction, with addiction being defined as anything that comes between you and God. What you go to to fill in the GAP: that space between where you are and where God wants you to be. Example: Where you are: I am failing as a mom. My middle schooler is a loner and has no friends. ****Insert GAP**** Where God wants you to be: Believe that you AND your middle schooler are well-provided for children of the King.
We all fill the GAP with addictions at some point or another or always for most of us. I mean, if it were me in this situation, I would fill in the GAP with signing my child up for after school clubs, youth group trips and probably buy a self-help book on how to help loser kids. None of those things are bad in and of themselves, but with a frantic, controlling heart, they are an addiction. You're just trying to make yourself feel better and make life feel a little bit less out of your control by "doing something." The "non-addiction" thing that God wants us to do is run to Him instead of Barnes and Noble and trust that He is loving and able to take care of our babies. Apparently, "The Last Addiction," based on a book by that title, is the addiction to the belief that we can save ourselves.

So, here's the dilema...when does a healthy escape, or something sometimes called "it-makes-me-a-better-mommy", become an addiction?

For those of you who didn't know me in my former life (life before I had four kids, well, really life before I started filling out truckloads of paperwork for Collins' adoption) I wrote fashion columns for several blogs. I would write about the latest trends or a great, new bra I found. I know, it's a shocker considering my degree, but fashion and styling became my creative outlet...an outlet I never knew I had. I thought I was doomed to be a logical, in-the-box engineer all my life, so this discovery was a fun surprise.

I haven't had time to think about clothes in a year, and now all the sudden, I'm editing over-the-knee boots online and deciding if I'm going to try the clog trend this Fall. So, is my creative outlet an addiction or something that helps keep me sane during these days while I have a Chinese 2 year old attached to me?

For now, I'm going with healthy distraction. I guess if my kids start to go hungry because I'm researching the new peep toes then we'll have a problem. So to celebrate my not yet addiction, look tomorrow for my take on Uggs, jeggings and, ugh, clogs.

Until then...What are your thoughts?

Fwhi Whi

So, tonight Jerod gave Collins a bath and gave her one of his special hair dos. At one point or another, all of our kids have had this same look. She came in to sit down for dinner and the moment was just too good to pass up....She had crazy, mad-woman looking hair, snot running down her nose and and attitude to go with both. I made her pork fried rice tonight thinking that she's probably missed it in a bad way. I said "Collins. Say Fried Rice." She did and I laughed my fanny off. She said it just like we all think Chinese people would say Fried Rice. Fwhi Whi. I grabbed the camera and this is what I got....I guess we'll be paying for counseling when she's 40.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xhNLbVioRBE&feature=mfu_in_order&list=UL

***I know this may be mean, maybe even child abuse, but I haven't laughed in so long...

I had to post it***

All You Need is a Paper Bag

I bet you all thought I was needing the paper bag for deep breathing exercises this week. I've come close, but not yet. Just wanted to show you some pictures from our first week together (seems like it's been years.) This is the most resourceful child I've ever seen. We've played and had more fun with shell pasta, rice and paper bags. I guess you gotta have fun with whatever you can find in the orphanage.

Fun Times

We Skyped with JingJing (Collins friend from her orphanage that now lives in Atlanta)

We Read the Bible

We held our brother's hand while he went potty. I thought this was so weird, but sweet. How gross is the banana, too.

I'm going to post a link on Facebook too of pictures that Jerod's mom sent me. For some reason I can't post them here.

"One Sunny Summer"

When I was in 5th grade I decided to write a book. I titled it "One Sunny Summer." I have no idea what it was going to be about. I think I only got about halfway down one page of a legal pad before the enthusiasm wore off and I stopped my writing career. Everyone should probably be glad I did because, really, when was the last time you read a riveting, best-selling novel by an engineer? Likely never. I haven't thought about "One Sunny Summer" in years, but for some reason almost everyday of the past week I've thought about it.

If you were to ask me what age I'd like to go back to, I would say 10 years old. And the title of my almost "novel" says exactly why. At that age, the it's always "One Sunny Summer." You're old enough to have some independence and freedom in your world. You can go walk the track at high school football games and go to movies without your parents. And also most 10 year olds (I do know exceptions) haven't experienced the evil and harshness of the world that leaves you prive to the fact that people will always let you down and those closest to you will be the ones to hurt you the most. It's like the last year before reality kicks you in the ass and you're really never the same again...or at least it was for me.

I've tried to figure out why in the world I've thought about this "book" (if you can call it that) so much lately. The best that I can come up with is that in just 20 short years everything about what I know about life has changed. It's not always "One Sunny Summer" and really it never has been. I'm not surprised that people do bad things anymore. That orphans are left on door steps. That pastors have affairs and terrorists fly planes into buildings. I don't even really pay attention to the murders that the local news talks about nightly. At 10, I would have told you that those things only happened in the worst R-rated movie that I wasn't allowed to see.

I guess there are days when I just long for a little bit of ignorance. I mean, sometimes isn't ignorance really bliss? I sit and watch Jeb and Collins play and laugh and cry and they seem like normal toddlers. But, their story isn't normal and it never has been. They suffered their greatest loss, greatest disappointment in life at 1 day and 10 days old. With Jeb, at least we have pictures of his mom and a few details of her life, but with Collins, someday I'll have to tell her that someone just left her in a box on a sidewalk in the middle of China. That's it. We'll never know anything about her parents or if she has brothers and sisters or if she has her mom's eyes. There isn't even a picture of Collins until she is about 10 months old. It's like she didn't even exist until then.

But what a 10 year old doesn't know is that even with all the messiness and hurt, life gets so much deeper and richer and meaningful as you get older and suffer a little. It's not all about the perfectly feathered bangs or Tretorns anymore, but it's so much better. The rough times in life give God a great backdrop to work. I guess we'd all do ourselves a favor if we could just figure out how to suffer well instead of fighting life. Easier said than done, I know.

Just a thought...

P.S. I think it's funny that anyone is still reading this blog. I mean the orphan was rescued, isn't that the high point?! But this writing thing has turned into some sort of therapy for me and I'm just going to keep going. Plus someday it may be fun to go back and read or laugh at myself. Anyway, I don't know, from here on it's just me writing out loud....whatever is in my head. I may write about orphans or fashion or PTA meetings. I don't really edit what comes out, so sorry in advance. I hope I don't lose any friends with this blog...

Yesterday Was a Bad Day. Yesterday Was a Good Day.

Yesterday was a bad day. The night before Collins didn't sleep a bit. She tossed and turned and if she wasn't touching me she would cry and throw her arm over to feel for me. I think I was slapped in the face about 100 times. At one point, she climbed over and laid on top of my chest. She was afraid I was going to leave her. We woke up to a rainy day that just felt weird. I felt like an alien had moved into my house. I'm tired of hearing her whine in Chinese, and Jerod and I are sure she's cussed us out several times. She doesn't like American food. She shoves Jeb away from me and snatches his Halloween candy. If Jennings puts her hand on her stroller she yells "No!" She's scared of Tico and Cooper and screams and runs when she sees them. She follows me everywhere and pitches a fit when I can't pick her up. Doesn't she know that I have 3 other kids? There's no cartoon babysitter here; I guess because she can't understand ENGLISH. She got car sick and threw up in the car. I can't eat because of this nervous, anxious feeling in my stomach that says"Will this ever feel normal?"

*****

Yesterday was a good day. When I was crying on the floor putting on my shoes, I looked up at Collins and she had one little tear rolling down her cheek and she laid her head down on my shoulder. I'll never know if that tear was to say "I'm sorry" or "Yeah. I know. This sucks for both of us." But either way it was a sweet moment. When Jerod came home yesterday I said "Mingjiao who is that?" she yelled Dada and ran into his arms. I caught her dancing to Dave Matthews and it made me smile. She has the best laugh. It's one of those great, belly laughs. She and Jennings played a long game of Peek-A-Boo around the kitchen. She rode a Radio Flyer scooter down the driveway in fresh air with a Golden Retriever playing catch in the yard. Jerod wrote me a note and a part of it was "We are called to be inconvenienced and taken out of our comfort zone. This is what we do. We are strengthened by God and don't shy away from His word but meet it head on and become faithful servants."

If His word is true, and true religion is caring for the orphans and the widows and the outcasts, then I guess the good day/bad days are worth it.

Pants on the Ground

This is my life. Everyone needs attention and someone always shows their fanny (figuratively). The pun wasn't intended here but it works.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4-a80fAJW30

Amber Alert

No need to call 911. We are alive. Barely. Actually, more so than I thought we would be. Picking up where we left off with the addition of a bossy, Chinese toddler has been interesting for sure.

The flight home went really well. She slept probably 60% of the time and the other 40% she was talking (loudly) and laughing. She liked flying and thought that everyone was sitting there for her. She would walk up and down the aisles and touch everyone's arms or wave and smile as she passed. Of course if they responsed and motioned back she freaked out but she enjoyed the smiles (well, really, laughs) at the 4 stickers on her head.

It was great getting back home and smelling fresh air and feeling a breeze, neither of which were in China. Collins walked into the house a little overwhelmed at the 10 kids that were in her face calling her this weird name of "Collins." We've been calling her Mingjiao still. (What if someone started calling you Mingjiao all the sudden one day after being named Sally for 38 years.) After everyone got out of her face though she started playing and having fun with the toys and kids.

Right now I think it's just as hard for Connor, Jennings and Jeb as it is her. Jeb is no longer the baby and having a really hard time with that. I think they will be BFF eventually but now just too much competition for mommy time. They fight over my lap. If Jeb holds onto my leg, Collins comes over and slaps him and holds my other leg. Jennings has cried more than anyone else so far. Collins is, for whatever reason, not taking to her like she is Connor or even Jeb and it is breaking her heart. She'll come up to me in tears and say "She just doens't like me. She plays with everyone else and pushes me away." Jennings has been looking so forward to her and having a little sister her to love on and play with. I guess you're never to young to learn how dangerous it is to have expectations of people; they will always let you down.

Jerod and I are good. If we can get past the jet lag, I think we will live. Oh, I have to post our first family photo from the other night. It's a keeper for sure. Not because it's great and perfect but because it's really funny and kind of a disaster. It's on Jerod's computer though so it will have to wait. Until then, hope everyone is doing well. Can't wait to see you all and catch up soon. I think I'm going to take a nap now....